Ten tips on how to ruin a wedding reception in a marquee
Marquees, the cornerstone of any successful wedding. You know right now there are going to be frantic brides to be looking to arrange their weddings for 2008, 2009 and beyond. Being the cynic that I am, I thought it high time to pick on the sluts of the world who are going to trap their man and submit him to a life of obesity and size 18’s once full married life kicks in.
We’ve all been to a wedding reception that has been held in a marquee, but that question I asked myself was what would the top 10 worst things anyone has done in a marquee? I came up with my list of what has probably happened in a marquee at a wedding celebration.
If any of my list have not been accomplished by someone, I do suggest that during wedding season 2008 you see how many you can get through.
10 - Rugby tackle the bride and groom during the first dance - Imagine the look of fury from everyone as you wade clean-in and pole-axe the happy couple - absolute notoriety for the rest of your life from all those wedding guests; plus you will probably get featured on Weddings from Hell.
9 - Shout abuse during the speeches then collapse in a drunken heap - This is probably the easiest of the lot, you can embarrass the crap out of your partner by falling unconscious during the speeches
8 - Shag the brides mother - This probably deserves higher billing, but then there are so many slags in the world that shagging the brides mother may not be the achievement you may think. Plus there are so many older women simply starved of cock from their fat bastard husbands and after a few Pimms the old-timers are pretty much anyone’s!
7 - Get on the microphone and call everyone a c*nt - A personal favourite, watch granny collapse when you shout the c-word repeatedly down the microphone to all and sundry.
6 - Setting light to the marquee - This one is very hardcore. You need to ensure that all the guest are waiting to get into the marquee and not actually in the marquee as I am sure this great big canvas would go up in no time. I’d go to this task just as everyone is turning up so your full handywork can be marveled.
5 - Collapse the marquee -The party is in full swing, when you feel the need for mischief, what better mischief then to collapse the marquee onto all the guests inside - absolute quality, imagine the panic as the cloth falls on the middle of the dance floor as the Okey Cokey is in full swing.
4 - Take a shit on the dance floor - As the lights go down, so do the trousers - make your way to the centre of the dance floor and curl one out! Simply zip-up and stand back at your achievement. Note of caution, you will not be able to gloat for too long as I expect a baying mob of wedding guests will be after you in a very short timeline.
3 - Vomit on the wedding cake - Go on son, give it your best! Quaff the free booze, scoff the free food, and then have a few whisky’s to finish off the vomit cocktail. Then get your fat arse up on the dance floor and work the guts. If you don’t feel sick at this stage, get your sorry arse to the bar and keep drinking. When you feel you are going to blow, make your way to the cake and let it go!
2 - Fall over and destroy the wedding cake - You can hear the screams as the guests look-up in horror when they see the wedding cake collapsing under your weight.
1 - Shag the new bride - This is perhaps the trickiest of the lot. It does depend on whether the bride is a complete slut. Top marks for anyone who happens to shag the bride on her wedding day who happens not to be the bridegroom.
Angry ex-’friend’
#1. December 5th, 2007, at 12:08 AM.
Bet you don’t get invited to many weddings MrCrip, although sounds like you’d liven some of the boring ones up that I’ve been to!